The Prank Wars
by Basement Cat89
Summary: Sera does not think much of Inquisitor's Megan Trevelyan uppity attitude and decides to knock her down a peg. Unfortunately, the Inquisitor is not noted for being forgiving or forgetful. Trouble brews in Skyhold, and the bets are on for who will win the Prank Wars.
1. Sera 1, Inquisitor 0

The Prank Wars

The mood was tense in Skyhold castle. The Inquisition had recently recruited a new ally and the Elven woman's disposition did not go down so well with some, particularly the Inquisitor. The two women had barely exchanged a few words when everyone reached the same conclusion: they did not like each other.

On the one hand there was the Inquisitor: Megan Trevelyan. An Artificer of some talent whose patience was infinite when it came to preparing traps, but inexistent as far as people were concerned. Her volcanic temper and aloof disposition could attest to that fact. And then there was the newcomer: Sera. A thief who hardly ever made plans, who charged in without thinking and who thrived on agitation.

It was only a matter of time until _something_ happened between those two. Most people in Skyhold were betting on that something being unpleasant. They were right. It all started a few days after Sera joined the Inquisition.

One fine morning, the tranquility was broken by an outraged shout reverberating through the stone halls of Skyhold. "Where is she?" the Inquisitor demanded angrily as she stormed into the main hall, scratching herself furiously along the way. "Who is this 'she' you are looking for?" Cassandra inquired as she observed the Inquisitor's odd behavior. "Sera! That little blonde twit! Where is she?" Megan exclaimed as she kept scratching herself, with increasing desperation it seemed. "Well, I did see her walk in the direction of the tavern earlier." Cassandra revealed. "What is the matter with you?" she pressed, worried that there might be lice infesting the castle.

"That little punk put itching powder in my clothes! All of them! I swear I'm going to knock all her teeth out and make a scratcher out of them!" Megan explained as best as she could while trying to relieve the infernal itch. "Perhaps you should go wash this off. I can lend you some of my clothes until yours are cleaned" Cassandra offered, hoping that by then the Inquisitor's temper would have cooled off. She knew all too well that when Megan got creative with her threats, she usually carried them out.

The Inquisitor stared at her second in command with murder in her eyes for a moment before relenting. She was in no condition to do anything about the little punk at the moment anyway. She made her way back to her quarters, still scratching away, and came across Varric. "Hey, Varric." She called to him. He simply looked at her, not bothering with a greeting. "Tell Sera I'm going to get back at her for her prank".

"You can tell her yourself. I'm not your messenger boy" Varric called back before continuing on his way to the courtyard. Megan fumed silently as she reached her chambers and began to undress. She would get back at Sera alright. And she already had a few ideas how to do it.


	2. Sera 1, Inquisitor 1

Sera 1, Inquisitor 1

"Hey, Varric! Come over here, buddy!" Sera called as she spotted the Dwarf entering the tavern through the cloud of smoke that hovered in the air. "Anything interesting going on in the castle?" she asked innocently as Varric joined her. Sera was sitting on the table with her back against the wall, nursing a pint as she joked with the people around her and apparently unconcerned about the ale dripping from the side of her mug. Varric gave her a smirk as he sat down. The poor kid had no idea how big a hornet's nest she had just kicked.

"Oh, it's interesting alright. The Inquisitor came marching into the great hall all bent out of shape and scratching like a sailor after a night in an Antivan brothel" he told her. Sera threw her head back and laughed at the image he had just conjured. It served the Inquisitor right. She was always so high and mighty and telling people to shut up.

"She also said she would knock out all your teeth and make a scratcher out of them" Varric continued, taking a sip of the ale the waitress had just brought him. Sera stiffened slightly at this pronouncement, but then shrugged it off. "Like she really would" she said with a laugh that ended in a snort. Varric gave her pointed look or at least tried to as Sera downed the rest of her drink in a couple of great gulps and slammed the mug on the table. "Well, I'm going to get my bow and practice in the courtyard a bit. It was nice seeing you, Varric." She said as she leapt off the table and walked outside. "It was nice knowing you, kid" was the unheard reply.

Sera squinted as her eyes adjusted to the sun. The light was harsh after the dim atmosphere of the tavern. As she made her way towards her room she came across the spymaster. "Hey there, Red!" She called in greeting. "And where do you think you are going?" the Orlesian said in that lilting voice of hers. Sera turned as she passed her and continued walking backwards "I'm going to get my bow. I wanna get some practice in!" she replied. "If I were you I'd practice my sprinting" Leliana said, more to herself than to Sera. The entire castle had heard of the prank by now and most considered the blonde Elf as good as dead. The Inquisitor's wrath was not to be incurred lightly.

Sera didn't hear Leliana's warning and continued on. After one last turn she found herself faced with the door to her room. She checked the lock to see if there were any scratch marks that would indicate that someone had tampered with it, but it was pristine. She opened the door and watched as the little piece of paper she had jammed in it fell to the floor. Good. No one had been in her room. She wondered if the Inquisitor knew those sorts of tricks. She probably didn't. She could barely qualify as a rogue as far as Sera was concerned. She was always playing with contraptions and other slow stuff. That was the word she would use to describe the Inquisitor: slow.

Sera entered her room and looked around. Her bow and quiver were on her bed, which stood in the corner; exactly where she had left them. There was a small window in the upper corner, but that was too small an opening for a human to go through. She was satisfied that the Inquisitor had not been in her room, so she reached out to grab her bow.

By the time she spotted the thread attached to the shaft of her bow, it was far too late to get away. It happened in the blink of an eye, but to Sera time seemed to have slowed as she picked up her bow and inadvertently tugged on the thread. She heard a 'click' and her eyes widened as her bed launched itself forward and impacted painfully with her knees, knocking her off balance and sending her over the opposite edge of the bed. Then she heard another click. She barely had time to get back on her feet when the bed was pulled back towards the wall, essentially trapping her there.

Sera was furious. "Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you?" she muttered as she struggled to free herself. "You just wait. I'll get you back for this" she grumbled as she tried again and again to release her legs, but the trap would not budge. She had to admit the Inquisitor knew her stuff. She was pulled from her thoughts by the spymaster suddenly appearing in the doorway.

"Do you need a hand?" She offered as she observed the Elf's predicament. "Yes!" Sera shouted as she once again failed to push the bed away. "Hold on, I think I see the release mechanism" Leliana said as she tinkered with something under the bed. After one final 'click' the device was finally disarmed and Sera was able to pull free. She rubbed her bruised knees as she sat on the bed. "How did she get in here? The door wasn't touched, the window is too small and there are no holes in the roof!" Sera wondered out loud.

Leliana gave her a sympathetic look. "She is the Inquisitor, Sera. She has a master key. And anyone can replace a piece of paper" she explained as she left the young woman alone to soothe her bruised flesh and plot revenge, no doubt.


	3. Sera 2, Inquisitor 1

Sera 2, Inquisitor 1

"Did you hear about Sera's 'accident' the other day?" The Qunari mercenary directed the question at his drinking companion, the Grey Warden Blackwall. "I did. The poor thing limped for two days!" the latter replied. The two men were seated in the middle of the tavern, surrounded by the sound of raucous laughter and excited gossiping. The Inquisitor's misadventure at the hands of Sera had been around the rumour mill many times already, and the tale of her revenge on the Elf had the Skyhold tavern abuzz with excitement over what would happen next.

Iron Bull leaned over the table to make his voice heard over the general chatter. "I reckon Sera has the next move. What do you think she'll do?" he asked. Blackwall paused for a moment, stroking his long beard contemplatively as he pondered his answer. "After the stunt the Inquisitor pulled, I suspect it will be nasty." he said. "Nastier than itching powder in her clothes? That was a pretty mean trick to pull." the Qunari commented as he took a swig of his drink. The ale in Skyhold wasn't particularly good, but it was strong and cool.

Blackwall chuckled to himself as he recalled the sight of Trevelyan walking into the main hall, scratching like her life depended on it. "It was pretty funny though. And her retaliation was inspired, you must admit." he replied. "There is nothing so dangerous as a woman who is long on imagination and short on kindness" Iron Bull proclaimed, raising his tankard to take another drink. "Well, let us enjoy the show from a safe distance and hope it ends with the two of them in bed!" he proclaimed as he raised his own tankard. "I'll drink to that!" the giant agreed and the two men knocked their tankards in a toast.

Meanwhile, in another part of Skyhold, a young thief was contemplating payback for her bruised knees and, most importantly, ego. Sera was rifling through her pack for something she could use against the tin tyrant she was supposed to take orders from. "Come on, there has to be something in here I can use" she muttered to herself as she dug through her various concoctions. "Poison? No, the Seeker would skewer me" she said as she put the vial containing a nasty yellow liquid aside. "Itching powder? Already done that" she continued and set the small packet aside. Her eye caught a square, red bottle with a black label. "Perfect!" She exclaimed as she took the bottle and wandered off to do her mischief.

Later that day, the inner circle of the inquisition gathered in the great hall for dinner. Megan herself did not care for the protocol, but their ambassador, Lady Montilyet, had insisted that it would promote camaraderie among them. So far the dusky Antivan had been proven wrong as the Inquisitor usually ate in silence, Iron Bull, Blackwall and Sera huddled together at the far end of the table, Varric either read or wrote while eating, Cole and Solas preferred to avoid the great hall altogether and Dorian and Vivienne preferred to eat together in her quarters. That left Leliana, Cassandra, Cullen and herself to talk to each other as the others largely ignored them.

The 'troublemaker's' corner, as it had become known, was being particularly lively that night as Sera was telling a story, or so it seemed, to the others. Iron Bull let out a great shout of laughter as Sera showed him something and Blackwall banged his fist on the table in hilarity. The Inquisitor eyed them suspiciously for a moment but otherwise gave no acknowledgement of their antics. She ate quietly as she read a report, her eyes sometimes darting along the table, scanning its occupants.

The advisers were talking quietly to each other along with the Seeker. Judging by the expressions on their faces, they seemed to be disagreeing about something. Cassandra in particular was directing a scathing look at the commander who, to his credit, did not flinch one bit under the assault. A commendable quality to be sure. The Seeker had quite an intimidating glare and presence and being able to withstand it was nothing to sneeze at.

As that last thought crossed her mind, Megan began to feel an uncomfortable roiling in her gut. She shifted in her seat, thinking that perhaps her posture was off, and she resumed eating. The feeling would not subside, however, and she felt the uncomfortable sensation intensify. "What the?" she started saying but was interrupted by a horrible cramp suddenly seizing her abdomen. Had she been poisoned? Although the pain had grown to the point of distraction, she was able to catch a distinctive giggle from the troublemaker's corner and directed her gaze there.

Sera was giving her an insufferably smug grin as she squirmed in her seat. "Oh you little…" she began but once again was cut off by the pain in her gut. She bolted out her seat and ran to her room as fast as she could, dignity be damned. It would take a worse hit if she stayed there. She barely made it to the privy in time as her bowels exploded. "Castor oil", she managed to grind out through clenched teeth. She had thought the food was a bit greasier than usual. Oh, that little Elf was in for a world of pain. As soon as she had finished purging the damned stuff out of her system, she would get to work on a _vicious _counter strike.


	4. Enter The Mediator (final)

Enter The Mediator

"Just what did she put in the Inquisitor's food?" commander Cullen asked his fellow adviser, Leliana. "My guess would be some kind of laxative" the spymaster replied. "Isn't that dangerous?" Lady Montilyet asked with a worried look on her face. "In large enough doses it can be lethal, but I think the Inquisitor will be fine. She did not eat much last night before running off to her quarters" Leliana reassured her friend. For some unfathomable reason, Josephine seemed fond of their grouchy leader.

"Still, she has essentially poisoned our leader. We cannot let that go unpunished" Cassandra pointed out. She did not particularly like the Inquisitor, but Sera's prank last night had crossed a line as far as she was concerned. Before anyone could comment on this latest observation, the door burst open and slammed into the wall as Megan stomped into the room, her face drawn and her teeth bared. She had obviously spent the whole night up. Or sitting down, to be more accurate.

"Oh, it will be punished alright!" the haggard woman shouted as she approached the group. "None of you are to say anything on the matter. If anyone mentions last night's 'incident' you will feign ignorance and change the subject. Is that clear?" None of the assembled party dared do anything beyond nod their heads in agreement. Megan Trevelyan was in foul humor at the best of times, but the only one to have seen her truly angry so far was Cassandra and as brave as the Seeker was, even she had been shaken by the experience. When the Inquisitor got in a true rage, the last thing one wanted to do was draw her attention to oneself.

Megan stalked back out of the room, slamming the door shut with such force that some dust fell from the ceiling. "Shouldn't we do something? At this point I worry she might kill her" Josephine said nervously. The others exchanged an uncomfortable look. On the one hand, what Sera did could be construed as an attempt on the Inquisitor's life and it would not do to let her get away with something like that. On the other hand, the vivacious Elf had probably not intended any real harm. "I'm staying out of this. I'm not getting in the middle of a catfight" the commander stated, earning a filthy look from the ladies.

"This is serious, commander. This ridiculous situation is making us all look foolish. We must put a stop to it" Lady Montilyet said firmly with steel in her eyes. Cassandra and Cullen were taken aback by the sudden fierceness in the Antivan's attitude. They were used to seeing a sweet, prim and proper lady. The determined young woman now standing in front of them seemed an entirely different person. Leliana smiled at her friend. She knew that look well. No one could dissuade Josie when her mind was made up. "Better you than me" the commander answered with a shrug and left the room, shaking his head as he went. They were going to need a new ambassador soon. Cassandra looked at Josephine with new found respect as she nodded her head and left in turn.

Leliana approached her friend and put a hand on her shoulder. "Do you need my help?" she asked gently. Josephine placed her hand over her friend's and squeezed it briefly. "I thank you, but no. I am sure I will be able to handle it" she replied, fire now joining the steel in her eyes. They were interrupted by an ungodly shriek coming up from the courtyard. "Sounds like you'd better get to work then" Leliana said as she ran out to see what the commotion was about.

As it turned out, the commotion was Sera running for her life as the Inquisitor chased after, her Fade hand glowing brightly. "Get back here you! I'm going to open a tear, toss you through it and close it back up! Let's see how you like shitting your pants!" Megan hollered after the fleeing Elf, her face livid with rage. Poor Sera had been caught completely off guard by the fury in the Inquisitor's face as she entered the tavern. Now she understood why people nicknamed her the 'Ragequisitor'. She had not thought anyone could get _that _angry!

"I said I was sorry! I won't do it again! _Please_!" The Elf pleaded, tears streaming from her eyes. She had no doubt the Inquisitor would carry out her threat if she caught her. "Help!" she cried out as she passed Varric in the courtyard, but the Dwarf help up his hands helplessly as he watched the pair pass him by. "Sorry, Giggles! She's got the murder eyes! I can't help you!" he shouted after her, feeling truly sorry for the Elf. He liked the girl well enough, but getting between the Ragequisitor and her target was pure suicide.

Sera made a dash for the main hall. Hopefully, she would be able to hide somewhere in the castle until the Inquisitor calmed down. _If _she calmed down that is. "Go that way!" someone shouted as they pointed to a corridor to the left. She thought it was the spymaster, but she was so busy dashing away that she couldn't be sure. The Inquisitor was gaining on her and still yelling horrible threats about demons and other nasty things she would call down on her if she caught her.

She took a left turn and sprinted down the corridor and, just as the Inquisitor was about to snatch her, got into an open room where she spotted Lady Montilyet. "Sanctuary!" She shouted as she bolted behind the startled Antivan and grabbed her, holding her in front of her much like she would a shield. Unfortunately, the Inquisitor was so close behind her that she collided with the poor diplomat and sent the three of them toppling to the floor.

Sera let out a loud 'oof' as the combined weight of the Antivan and the Free Marcher landed on her. Josephine likewise uttered an exclamation of surprise and pain as she fell with the Inquisitor on top of her and the Elf beneath her. Megan was the first to recover. "Lady Montilyet" she said with surprising civility, "pray excuse me, but I was chasing after this ruffian you are currently shielding" she finished, her eyes still shooting black glares at Sera.

"Inquisitor" the ambassador began, "you will do no harm to this young woman" she said, still hopelessly trapped between the two. Sera had no chance of escaping from her current predicament as her arms were pinned by the weight and the Inquisitor seemed entirely unaware of their position. Josephine, for her part, was all too aware that she was caught between a pair of panting, sweaty, very attractive young women. She blushed at the thought and forced herself to return her attention to defusing the crisis.

"This situation has gone on long enough. Your antics are harming our cause. How are people supposed to take us seriously when you waste your time on childish pranks?" she scolded, and to her relief she saw the Inquisitor's anger begin to evaporate. "Alright, that's a fair point" Trevelyan began, "but there is still the matter of one of my agents poisoning me last night" she concluded with a vicious glare in Sera's direction. The blond Elf squeaked and tried to hide further under the diplomat, but had very little success.

"Sera will clean out the stables for a month as penance for what she did, and that will be the end of it" Josephine with as much authority as she could muster while caught between a squirming Elf and a fuming human. "A month? Are you kidding me?" Sera began but faltered under the Inquisitor's evil eye. "That seems… fair" Megan said slowly, but was interrupted by Leliana sudden entrance.

"Oh my, did I come at a bad time?" the Orlesian said innocently as she observed the scene before her eyes. Poor Sera's face was turning red from supporting the two humans' weight, Josephine's was a lovely shade of rose from the embarrassing position and Megan' was still an unsightly shade of puce. The Inquisitor seemed to realize what position she was in and hastily stood up, helping Josephine to her feet as she did so. Sera let out a sigh of relief as she was freed and rubbed her arms, which had gone numb from the pressure.

"Now then", Josephine started as she adjusted her hair, her face still flushed. "Sera, you will report to the stable master and begin your chore. Inquisitor, there is a matter requiring your attention in the Hinterlands. I suggest you leave at once. Leliana, I would speak to you", the ambassador said in a tone that brooked no opposition.

Sera practically fled the room while the Inquisitor slowly made her way out, breathing deeply in an effort to calm down. She nodded to Leliana as she left. "Well, that should convince the commander that sometimes a woman's touch is best" Leliana teased as she approached her friend, still quite flushed from the ordeal. She glanced slyly at Josephine and smirked. She had an inkling she knew what was going through the Antivan's mind.

Josephine laughed softly. "It's silly". "What is?" Leliana inquired. "That was not all that unpleasant", the diplomat admitted, her cheeks coloring again. Leliana softly pinched her chin in a teasing manner. "Naughty girl".


End file.
